The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
