He kissed a someone with a penis
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
