The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
