my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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