i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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