haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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