NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
