Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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