So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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