I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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