Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
