new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
