well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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