good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
