i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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