I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
