New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
