we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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