i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize