FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
