Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
