Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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