I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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