we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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