I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
