listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
