I just pynch a tree in the face
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
