so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
