did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
