why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
