tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
