Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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