so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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