did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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