Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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