guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
did i just pee glitter
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
