i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
