if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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