apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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