Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Floor bacon is actually really good
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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