At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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