No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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