He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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