sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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