her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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