You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So many bounce houses so little time
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
