Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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