this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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