No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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