Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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