the condom got lost in my hair
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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