There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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