So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
