You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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