I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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