my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
